Sunday, 23 June 2013

What do you need?

 photo takewhatyouneed_zps853f6177.jpg

If you were looking at this (above), which would you take? Today I honestly think I would take strength and healing. I started today feeling so 'up' and now am feeling a bit of an emotional wreck. I haven't really spoken about my battle with mental health before but I am starting to 'feel' it creeping in again. I was once told, by several professionals, that I am 'Bipolar' and I have to say, the older I have got, the more I understand how true it is.

The difference now that I am a little older is that I can see a bad day coming and not let it totally destroy me. When I was in my early 20's I would scratch my arms until they bled, just to release tensions that had built up. It wasn't even a cry for help, I didn't always do it in places that were visible. Sometimes I lived in long sleeved tops, even when it was hot, just so people didn't ask too many questions.

Mental battles are the worst, they are unseen and, in my case, not talked about. I rarely open up about it and if I do I make it sounds like it is nothing, like it isn't too bad at all. I do it all with a big smile on my face. Tragic. So, when the time comes that I actually need someone, like, really need someone - there is no one. People always think I am ok, always. And that is all my own fault. I hate burdening people with my shit, I really do.

Right now, however, I am not in a great place mentally. I will be fine, I always am fine in the end, but I have to go through this first. Days where I feel like just staying curled up in bed and not seeing anyone. I hate seeing my own reflection in the mirror, what I see repulses me at times. I can stare at myself for 10 minutes just ripping everything about myself to pieces. What is hard is distinguishing the difference between any woman's 'bad' days, and the sort of day I am currently experiencing - I know the difference, but it is hard to explain.

I get so sad when I hear of someone going through this, it is so awful and isolating. I end up acting like an awkward moron, just because I am feeling so self-aware. I swear that one day I will be pulled over in the supermarket, by a security guard, for simply acting shifty - which I do. This is down to feeling so self conscious and anxious. I spend some trips to the supermarket just looking around at everyone, thinking that everybody is staring at me, laughing at me, or thinking I look strange. I can really drive myself crackers.

It isn't easy to talk about this stuff, so I hope you will respect it and try to look at other people who suffer with depression or anxiety in a different light because you never quite know when it might strike you.


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