Just sending some love.

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Sometimes we all just have to take a step back. It is easy to moan and think that our lives our difficult and we can find ourselves getting wrapped up in the small things sometimes, losing all sense of perspective (I am one of those people too - I think we all are, it's human nature).

Just in my lifetime there has been some some pretty despicable things happen in this world that make you stand up straighter and hold your loved ones that little bit tighter. I don't know that we can ever stop them happening but what we can do is not let it beat us down. 

My thoughts are with the family and friends of the soldier killed yesterday in London. There are no words to describe such an attack.  

Poorly me.

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I am keeping it short and sweet this evening as my brain feels like it is melting out of my ears. I left work early to collapse in bed with a painful head and horrendous sickly feeling inside. Previously mentioned feeling has now subsided, however, exploding head remains! This picture is to help us all relax! Enjoy.

Hopefully, tomorrow, normal service will be resumed people! It's goodnight from me!
xoxox

A Monday hug

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Despite the stresses of last week, last month, last year...bla bla (!), I want to at least start this fresh week off feeling a little more optimistic and less terrified! I find that a good way to start the day is to have a nice big cuddle, something I couldn't quite muster out of Mr M this morning as he was still dozing at 5.30am!

The weekend was good, we decorated a bit more of our new space, which was great but exhausting and now we are on to a brand new week! I am looking forward to finishing everything to get to the fun stuff of actually living in our space rather than out of boxes. It will be lovely to have friends over and celebrate the start of our new life. Scary and exciting times ahead.

So, on this slightly grey Monday (well, here anyway!), if you are feeling a little blue, grab someone special and hug it out until it all feels better!

Yesterdays rain is tomorrows rainbow.

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It's funny what a difference 12 hours can make.

Yesterday I had a truly shit day. Excuse the language. It is the only descriptive. In fact this entire week has been utterly lousy. A hard work week plus a few odds and ends thrown in to mess up my head. I got in last night and felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, I couldn't get myself together at all. I was sobbing and wandering about like a total moron.

I get myself into a lot of hard situations which are totally my own fault but I am trying to protect lots of people at the heart of it. That is impossible to maintain. I am learning fast that simplicity is key. 

The only thing keeping me going right now is that things have to get better because I cannot feel any worse about everything right now and I know that I deserve some lighter hearted times too. I know I do.

Me time.

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In the midst of all the madness that is my life at the moment I am trying to take five minutes out of my day to think about me time. Can I just point out that, apart from a few gym sessions, I get no me time whatsoever. None. Zilch. Zip. I'm not entirely convinced that that is healthy.

 

So right now I am having a little moment of dreaming of what I would do with my me time:

 

- cuddle up on the sofa and catch up with 'guilty pleasure' TV (Made in Chelsea - sorry, I can't help it, don't judge me!)

 

- take a wander in town, buy a magazine, and sit in a coffee shop, people watching and reading - oh, and I would spend a good hour in a good bookstore for sure!

 

- Can I add a saunter around a garden centre into this...

 

- Go to the cinema.

 

- Make a hearty meal; buy ingredients, peel, chop, cook, serve nicely and actually have time to eat calm and relaxed! Miracle!

 

- Soak in the bath and remember what it feels like to be pampered.

 

All of this would be heaven.

 

I actually like spending time on my own. I have never lived alone but have always fancied it. Shutting my door at night and just being 'me', thinking about what I want to do, or going to bed at 7.30pm because I am exhausted. Whatever I did wouldn't have a knock-on effect on anyone but me. Does that sound selfish? Probably, but I certainly don't mean it to.

 

Me time is good. Quiet time is lovely. These days we are forgetting to get to know ourselves because we are too busy to.

 

Get to know yourself, it will serve you well for the future.

 

 

Impact.

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Have you ever stopped to notice how different people impact upon your life in different ways? I am thinking about this a lot today. I sometimes resort to writing lists to help resolve situations I am finding tough or confusing.

I mentioned Robert before, in a previous post - he had a huge impact in my life - massive. He still does but in different ways now. Maybe this is a time thing. We were together for a long time, a really long time. We knew each other totally. We had one of those relationships where you can walk in a room and know what someone is feeling without them saying one word. He really made me laugh too. That made an impact, but if I am honest, that impact has only been made since I don't have it anymore. I am not suggesting I am regretful, just that I miss the 'lighter' elements of what we had.

Now, with my current man, whom we shall call 'Mark',  things are totally different. Not a bad thing, but I miss the lightheartedness (is that a word?) of things I had before. Mark is more serious, a deep thinker (something I do like by the way!), but there is a lot of heaviness too. It can be challenging, but he is also so much more open about feelings and not scared of talking about tricky situations - that is a real plus and something Rob and I didn't do - a big reason it fell apart.

Marks impact on me has been significant too, but very, very different. Sometimes I question our longevity when it comes to seriousness of it all. Then I remember there has been many tough times, out of our control, that we have had to deal with, and I start to feel guilty for doubting us.

But still, if you are the sort of person that needs 'light' and laughter it is easy to become dragged down, especially when you are the sort of person who constantly tries to lift people up.

Trust the niggle.

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Today I turned into one of those people.

I cried. At work. Spontaneously burst out crying.

I felt like a prized idiot.

In my defence, I have been feeling so many emotions over the past two to three weeks that I haven't known how to get my head in gear. I am properly all over the place at the moment. My mind is wandering all the time, all day. I want to cry at the drop of a hat (before you ask, no, I am not pregnant!). I feel like I have been trying to sort my life out since I was 14 years old. Well, now I should have it sorted, right?

I don't know if I am going in the right direction. What if I am not? Exciting things are happening but I am just not feeling 'on board'. Something niggly doesn't feel right. Why?

Do I just 'have a word' with myself and get on with it, or do I trust the niggly feelings?

The horrible thing about that question is that I know what I would say to someone who was asking me that... I would tell them to 'trust the niggle'.

So familiar.

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Familiar doesn't equal forever, does it?

The smell of the house, the clothes...you.

You know me. Really know me, but sometimes I feel mad at you and frustrated at it all. What happened to us? We were the couple that everyone wanted to be. We faded away to this, whatever 'this' is.

You know when I will feel sad and you know what makes me happy. You know I like tea in bed whilst reading a magazine and lazy evenings sitting in the garden or pottering around.

It was you and me, and now it isn't, I want it and I don't want it.

It is a battle I don't think I am ever going to win.

The trials of it all.

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Sometimes the trials of it all really wear me down and I often find myself at the point of tears in situations where I should feel the total opposite. This is all down to change. 

I am such a creature of habit. I do not like change at all, and I like plenty of warning that something is going to break my routine. Everything is in the middle of change right now and I am feeling super unsettled. I am sure it will be fine, not all scary things are wrong, I know that much. I am getting older and I need to surrender to life. I am flighty sometimes, like one of those men in films, or like Chandler in friends (!). I find committing hard, I feel 'locked in' - even if I don't want to be anywhere else and I wouldn't have it any differently - I still feel that way. A sense of panic can wash over me so fast and before I know it I am drowning in it. 

I will write a post in a couple of weeks and update you on my stupidity, and, I bet you all my heart, I feel just fine - it is just lifes little test. I will learn from this and I will grow... I WILL!!

Fresh starts

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I have got a few pretty busy days ahead, so forgive me if I go a little quiet, although I will do my best not to!

Life has reached a significant milestone and I am rolling with it. I am moving tomorrow. It is a good thing and a scary thing all at once. New beginnings and new memories to build in brand new surroundings. I will be further away from everything and everyone I know but it will be good.

I do like the excitment of opening a box you packed a long while back and discovering items that you adore and finding them a home in your new home. Those first few unfamiliar sleeps, where you wake up in the middle of the night not quite sure of where you are, and you hear strange noises that will be familiar in days and will not even cause you to stir soon.

The light will come through the window differently, or maybe there will be no light at all. The view will be different out of the window; new and interesting sights will catch your eye.

It will be hard, mentally and physically. There will be a lot of change and things to change and sort but all I keep thinking about is Christmas. Christmas in a new home, cosy and warm, friends and, if life ever sorts itself, maybe even family too.

A perfect week.

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Today is not a day for heavy thoughts.

 

The sun is shining. I can feel a warm, gentle breeze on my cheek through my office window and my thoughts are turning to time off. Right now, if I had some free time, I would spend the days locked away in my house, the windows flung open to gasp in the fresh, spring air. I would push open the doors, leading from the lounge to the garden, and release the barrier between my home and nature.

 

I would pad around the house in my 'sloppy' jeans, which are too loose and a highly unfashionable stonewash, completing little jobs and dancing to the radio, singng along with summertime tunes until my hearts content.

 

My creative room would be a hive of activity; pools of colour would soak into the best paper, graphite dust melting in and forming a new and uncontrollable presence on the page. I would stop for a break and sit on the step that leads outside with a cup of tea, allowing the sun to warm my body and admire the new plants settling in to their new home and finding their way through the soil to the warmth.

 

As the light faces we cook together and make big plans for future dreams...you and me.