Wednesday, 5 June 2013

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Sometimes you just stand back from yourself and have a realisation.

I have realised that I am spending so much time trying to keep people happy and stay in touch with everyone and not hurt anyone that I am spreading myself too thinly and not giving time to the things and people that matter the most. I am so 'on edge' all the time, trying to decide how to handle my situation with Ron, whilst trying to build on my relationship with Mr M. It's impossible. In case you are wondering - I am not seeing two men here. I am trying to cut out an old one without hurt and without disaster...I have tried, believe me. I have had conversations, tried to explain that I care but don't want to be with him anymore. But the thing is, I still have feelings, not love, but feelings. We were together a while - we were the best of friends. It is hard and it is painful and I worry about him. I worry that something will happen to him and he won't have anyone to pick him up and take care of him. I know we are not meant to be together - there is no heat, no passion, I don't fancy him. What I have with M is passion, it is everything I have read about and fantasised about. We are friends, we talk, he listens, I love him so much. But it is still hard handling the other situation.

I would not recommend trying to exist in two spaces at once. In an ideal world I would have had a lot more time alone before meeting M, but life doesn't produce 'ideal situations' does it?

Anyway, the stress of it all impacts greatly on my relationship. How can I give 100% to M if I am worrying about Rob. My mind is spinning all the time and thoughts are no longer logical. Rob wants to see me and asks me all the time to see him. I make excuses up so I don't upset him. This has to stop, and I have to stop it. This is all my fault and I have the control to bring it all to an end. 

There is no truer saying than 'everyone is fighting their own battle'.

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