Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Changing habits

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I get so angry with myself at times for letting things that have happened in the past directly affect the now. My very first boyfriend (ever), when I was about 17, cheated on me (and a few others after him). He went away once and I know what happened. He shortly ended things, by which time I was about 18-19, and a couple of days later paraded his gorgeous new girlfriend in front of my work. I was devastated. Utterly heartbroken. My first love had ripped my heart apart and it took a long time to get over.

Another boyfriend, when I was in my early 20's, started his own business and used to be constantly calling this girl, called Gemma, chatting to her in some central office that used him as a freelancer. He was a cretin. He treated me so badly, mentally screwing me over.

To sum up (!) - years of torment have led to my current insecurities, even though I am with an absolute angel of a man. I know he won't cheat. I know it deep inside me, but from previous experiences I get worried and stupidly insecure. I don't want to be one of those girls. I really don't. In seconds I can go from uber secure and confident to an utter mess, hating myself, feeling like the ugliest individual around. I have read enough psychoanalysis in my time to know it stems from the past and, quite frankly, I don't need Freud to offer advice, because I am pretty sure he would say 'effing well sort it out'.

Sometimes I am truly ridiculous.

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