The complexities of relationships.

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When I was in my teens and early 20's, even late 20's to be honest, I lapped up any attention from the opposite sex - that is only because I rarely got any so when it came along I was all over it. Tragic. It is funny how you change when you get older and more settled. Now I am with someone that I see a future with I find anyone who is giving me too much attention annoying. I really don't mean that to sound big headed because, please believe me when I say I am not fighting them off! I think what I am trying to say is that I don't have the energy for all the things that are involved in getting to know someone new. All the texting back and forth, the worrying, the wishin, the hoping...for calls, texts, dates...it is thoroughly exhausting! Then, after all that, you still don't know if they will be right for you. Nine times out of ten they won't fit your ideal at all and you are left to start again. It is like a never ending game of snakes and ladders.

 

At my age it is even harder. Most people are relatively newly married, they might be thinking about starting a family or planning their lives. If you find someone who is the same age and single, chances are they have a fairly substancial history and perhaps some baggage (I hate that word). Now, I know this is a personal thing, but I hate the thought of being with someone who has been married or in a super long term relationship. Having said that though, I would hate to think that someone wouldn't be with me because of that. I just get super insecure and worried. I have been cheated on in the past and I think that has changed an awful lot of things for me, especially the way I look at relationships.

 

I would hate someone to have slept around a lot. That would be a deal breaker for me. It would scream 'wandering eye' and 'womaniser'. But at the same time no one has lived perfectly, and when we are younger we really don't consider what may weigh us down in the future. I have a few regrets and I am sure we all do.

 

Things get more complicated as you get older, but they can also be more beautiful and that is what I hold on to.

 

xoxo

Trust Me

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When I typed up yesterdays post I had no idea that the royal baby had been born... trust me to go with a subject like that when that had happened. If anyone was offended I truly apologise.

Congratulations to the new mummy and daddy. 

I love Kate and William, I really do. I think they are refreshing and clearly so in love. I hope that they manage to hang on to what they have forever and be happy. Now they are three - there is strength in numbers.

xoxo

History.

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The reason I started this blog was to become more open and honest without the fear of upsetting anyone I know but also to act as some sort of therapy for me too. I don't always feel like I open up as easily as I should, but today I really want to. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about decisions made in the past and how different life would be right now if I had taken an alternative pathway instead. 

When I was 20 years old (I think that is right), I found out I was pregnant. The boyfriend I was with at the time was a bit of a tearaway, not always very nice to me (that's a whole other story) and certainly wasn't someone I would have wanted to settle down with. He pretty much refused to use protection and I justs hoped, in my naivety that the inevitable wouldn't happen. Stupid girl.

I had been ill for several weeks, with flu like symptoms, then went to the doctor. She told me to do a text at home, which I did. To be totally honest, I don't remember an awful lot about the moments that led up to me visiting the clinic and getting the procedure done, but I do have one huge regret - not keeping the scan picture. I don't even remember getting rid of the picture, I remember it being tucked away with some paperwork. Maybe my mum destroyed it as the whole mention of 'the situation' was taboo.

There really is no need for me to go into much more detail about it but my point is that it was so hard. Not at the time but a couple of years afterwards. If I had had the child he or she would now be about 12 years old...ish. I was thinking about where I would be now if that path had happened.

It is so different now, being with someone who I can see being an amazing Dad. Right now I really can't think of having a child. I don't see that it will happen for me, for us. But it is a really emotional feeling to know you have the right person for that job as and when it comes up. 

I am truly sorry little baby - it wasn't right, it was totally the wrong time for you...

I love you always.

xoxo

Humble apologies...

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I am standing before you today with my fluffy tail between my legs - I have been somewhat absent from this site this week. I have had a mega work week and been rushing about left, right and centre. Forgive me. I have also had one of those weeks where people have made me feel inadequate and unintelligent. I have been treated so badly by so many people this week and to top it all off I was rejected for a job I applied for. Not a good week overall. But now I am trying to rise above it and keep positive, not easy in a crisis but I am doing my best. I am desperate for a change of job and want to be somewhere that I can climb the ladder and thrive. Where I am now is great, the job is a dream, but I do more and more, as if I am getting invisible promotions, but do not get any more recognition, financial or otherwise. So depressing.

So, as it is not in my nature to give up I will continue to 'bloom where planted' until something else comes along.

xoxo

Upping the game!

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It is no secret that life has been tough recently, but I think M and I are finally coming out the other side of things. We have had some long and honest chats about things and we are better. Much better. For a minute there I was all 'Woah, what if...'. Now I am settling back down again.

M is making more effort too. We went out on a date night on Friday to the cinema, which was awesome and we sat in the back row like a pair of loved up teenagers! 

I think the key is to never feel too 'at home' in your relationship. Make the effort, it is so worth it in the end. Do your hair, put some make-up on, choose a nice, pretty outfit, make him realise what he will be missing if he doesn't pull things together. Carry on being independent but know you are always there for one another. That is the sexiest thing ever.

The further away you are...

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As I drove further and further away from you I realised how much I longed to stay with you. I had no choice, I had to leave you there but I had no interest in doing so. All night I thought about you and longed to be by your side, thinking about what we would be doing together if I was there... sitting on the sofa watching favourite repeats of silly programmes that make us smile and laugh together, drinking tea and eating KitKats fresh from the fridge. It is those precious moments I miss so much when we are not together. I hate leaving you. I hate driving away from you standing there mouthing 'I love you'...

It will get less and less, I promise.

xoxo

A big believer.

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I am a big believer in love. That four letter word that can rip our hearts out as quickly as it can make them flutter. I have had my fair share of heartache and my fair share of breaking hearts I think, yet I still believe. I want the grand romance, the feel of being swept off my feet by someone and being carried away by it all. I want the flowers, the notes, the surprises - all of it. I am not bothered at all for grand, expensive gestures, I would swap those gladly for a hand written letter or a home cooked meal by candlelight. 

I want to be called 'darling' and I want to be someones 'sweetheart', rather than 'babe' or 'bird'. I want to have spontaneous moments like being dragged out my chair to slow dance to some old sloppy tune or snuggle in the rain outside a cafe over hot, steaming mugs of chocolate in the autumn as the leaves fall all about.

I am a hopeless, helpless romantic. Perhaps that's why I never feel quite settled in relationships. Perhaps I am in the wrong time. Perhaps I won't find any of those things in my lifetime. I really hope I do.

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I haven't been the happiest of bunnies of late. You are probably sick of me, I am sick of me. I am crying at the drop of a hat and finding it hard to listen to any music which isn't thumping a loud bass in my head to distract me from the world. I don't know whether I am just exhausted from all that has been going on or whether I am entering some kind of transitional stage in life and I need a change. Whatever is going on is making me feel utterly lost and confused and like I want to get away from it all and have peace.

Right now I am not financially 'well-off' but am seriously considering a few days away, alone. Just to take myself off on a road trip to my favourite place by the sea would be heaven. I could do with just laying out on the beach in the early morning or late afternoon sun and soaking up the sounds, sights and rays. Clearing my mind and writing or reading. Being creative and free to do whatever. Going to that cafe on the huge long beach that goes on forever and watching the world go by...

Daddies little girl

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(I am scheduling this post so if it appears in the morning and you have concerns please don't!)

Right now it is 10.40pm and I have just shared a whiskey with my Dad. I haven't seen him for a while, several weeks actually, and we never get time alone, nor do we ever talk about anything deep - he's just not that sort of Dad, he's of the generation of 'leave that to mum'.

Over the last few months I have made the catastrophic mistake of confiding in my Mum about a few personal issues with M. I have done what anyone would do and had a bit of a moan. Fundamentally M is ok, there are just a few things which irritate me and they are mentioned in a few posts here. Apparently Mum and Dad do talk.

So tonight my Dad says 'you don't have to tell me or answer this question... do you think it is going to work?' (referring to my relationship with M). He goes on to explain how Mum tells him a few bits and pieces and that he is 'concerned' but doesn't want to interfere. I tell him that there are some issues but M is a good man, respectful, kind, gentle etc. He just has some tendencies which are not conventional which I find somewhat frustrating and, very occasionally, selfish. 

We don't really discuss it any further but now I know he is concerned it has my mind even more unsettled. I spoke earlier about not feeling worried about being away from home and not feeling valued...now I feel worse. Ultimately, as I explained to my Dad this evening, it is my decision and if I think it is not working out then I will make the right choice for me. I have to learn to switch off from opinion. No-one knows my relationship and everyone has struggles. Unfortunately my Mum and Dad have the tendency to right people off after one blip. That;s obviously where I get my 'my God it's all over after one fight' attitude from!

So now I am left wondering what else they are thinking. It is best to just carry on as normal I think and not bring it up again. I have to work this out for myself. Like I did before. And before that!

Absorbed.

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Do you ever have days where you feel like you are totally absorbed into the world? I mean, like you say something to someone and it goes through them, or you smile at someone and they look past you, not seeing you? To me that feels like utter absorption into the world, into their mind, into your immediate background. Sometimes you can feel like screaming...I DO EXIST! I AM HERE! But other days you are happy to blend in.

I am away this week and thought I would be desperately missing home, but I am not and that is very much down to the fact that I don't feel special enough or valued enough there currently. I know that will change. I really do, but it is how I feel now. I feel a touch taken for granted, I know that will devastate M if he finds that out. 

I don't feel like we have enough fun together at all. We don't do enough. He would be happiest at home, curtains shut and his head stuck into his PS3. I could wander in naked and I doubt it would make a difference to him. Perhaps I will try that... let you know how it goes!

Memories (in the corner of my mind)

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I don't remember how this memory came rushing back to me today but it seemed to pop back into my mind and it made me cringe and smile in equal measures!

Once upon a job I met this guy, I really can't remember his name, poor chap (!), but he was quite sweet and it wasn't until now that I remembered him. In this job I would spend a lot of time around a lot of different people everyday. There were hundreds of people passing through the doors of this place all the God damn time and I was so busy all day that I rarely got a chance to chat to all the customers. 

I was having a really rough time of things at that particular moment of my life so I must've not had my head entirely screwed on or else I may have more interesting details for you. This guy used to talk with me when he could and it was clear he had a bit of a 'thing' for me. We didn't go out or anything but I remember him as being really sweet to me.

It was all quite 'silent' really. What I mean by that is that he was just sort of there, like he knew I was struggling so was just like a support.

One day he turned up at my house. When I came to the door he was stood there with a roast dinner. He had heard I wasn't feeling too well from someone at work, and he had cooked me a dinner, wrapped it up and come on over. I really hope my memory is failing me because I cannot remember letting him in. That is not my style at all, I like to think I am not that rude at all.

I don't know where he disappeared to (probably somewhere that someone actually let him in). 

All these years later I look back on that and think, wow, I would love it if a guy noticed I was feeling crap and brought a dinner around to my place or anything for that matter. That poor guy. He was so sweet and I don't think I treated him that well.

I wish I could see him face to face and say sorry.

Am I unusual?

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How 'normal' is this stuff at my age?

- Not having loads of friends.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends, just not many close ones. I have a few friends that I would call 'best' - or maybe two. The rest are great but they would not notice if I went AWOL I am pretty sure of that.

- Not knowing where I am going.

I mean this more in the sense of a career I suppose. I adore what I do, and I think, if this doesn't sound too egotistical, that I am pretty darn good at it. But where I work has no career prospects, no pay rise (at all) and nowhere for me to grow to. I want so much more, and I work so hard. It drives me crackers. Just as well I love it.

- To not want kids.

Que intake of breath here! I just don't want children! I would rather hang out with the animal kingdom-they make me happy, they relax me, they make me feel calm and centered. Children, well, children are great. I love spending time with other peoples. Spoiling them and making them laugh, but I don't feel broody or have the 'urge'. Will I regret that when I am older and totally alone? Probably. But that is no reason to go there now is it?

- Feeling inadequate.

Ever since I can remember I have felt 'different'. I feel like my journey should be different to everyone elses. I really don't mean that in a big headed way because, as you may have noticed above I am saying I feel inadequate. This is most days, all the time actually. I feel less intelligent, less creative, less beautiful, less funny, less wanted and less 'normal' than everyone else. The upside to this is that I treat people better I think. I don't feel I am owed anything - a trait seemingly popular in others.

- Feeling lonely.

Surely this is not normal? I should be out there, busying myself with life, socialising and having fun. Partly the reason this doesn't happen is life and being so damn busy, part of it is my fears and part is M. He doesn't really go in for the going out to do things (see previous posts!). 

Is this all normal? I feel like I am questioning far too much at the moment - perhaps that is my problem! I need to get out there - stick two fingers up to a whole bunch of stuff and get on with it!

Starting over (again)

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I have got into a rather stupidly depressing habit recently (that's what stress does to me), of thinking the worst of everything. If I have a disagreement with M, I think 'this is it' and start desperately planning what I am going to do next...where will I live? What 'stuff' will I have to take with me? What will I do with my life now?

The rather pathetic side to this, as if it's not pathetic enough already, is that once on this train of thought it is hard to stop. The truth is that I wouldn't have anything at all. I took nothing from my previous relationship. I left everything behind. If anything was to happen to this one, I would still have nothing.  At 30 something years old that thought is so sad.

I would return to my parents, once again, with nothing, nada, zilch.

I always like to think that if anything happened I would up roots totally and move somewhere far away to start over, again. But the reality of that thought is that it would be filled entirely with loneliness.

Y'know, I am a big Sex and the City fan. When I was in my 20's I would watch that show and wonder how anyone could questions their lives so much or how someone could end up so confused by life. My God, I really understand that these days. Everyday is a bloody uphill battle with some individual or some situation.

Let's hope that none of the above happens. If it does I guess I will discover that a tiny bit of strength is still in my bones and carry on forwards once again.

The mystery years.

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I lay in bed last night pondering my life and how much it has changed - how much it is still changing. I am finding my thirties the most difficult. I sat to type this post today and thought 'I can't write that, no one wants to hear that and you only said good things about him the other day...', then I thought to myself that everyones lives are changing all the time. Someone you are all loved up with one minute can make you feel stupid the next. That. Is. Life.

Let me explain my dilemma.

The relationship I am currently in is one of the best and one of the most frustrating in equal measures. Never before have I experience passion the way I do now. Never before have I missed someone the way I do now. Never before have I felt like someone 'has my back' like I do now. But never before have I felt so frustrated at a man. You know that feeling when you get anxious in your tummy? I have that with M sometimes, but it is a feeling I have never had before. 

I will go into more detail some other time about our early relationship, then this may make more sense, but last nights frustrations got way out of hand and I ended up sulking for ages, as did he actually. 

The disagreement started when we were watching something on tv and I said '...we should go gigs together!'. We have never done anything like that together and I love it. I love the theatre, live music, comedy, contemporary dance, the lot really, and we have never been together. I have been on my own to things or with friends. Now, M's reaction to my comment was '...it depends who it is'. That made me upset, which, wrongly came out as an angry 'my God, you're a selfish bastard' (I did laugh when I said it but he got up and sulked off upstairs - fair enough).

The trouble I have with this seemingly stupid argument, is that when I am with someone I would do whatever it takes to make them happy. I would go to a Cliff Richard concert if I had to for crying out loud...might quite enjoy that, perhaps it was a bad example! You get what I am saying...I am in it 100% and as long as it makes someone happy I'm in. I don't feel that in return and that makes me so sad.

We did make up and I said sorry for calling him a selfish bastard, he isn't with 99% of things and even when he is, I shouldn't say that. He said 'I would never talk to you like that', and he's right, I know he wouldn't, he never has. But for heavens sake man, I never ask for anything, I never ever do. Help me out here.

Rant over.

Amen.