This weekend I spent a whole lot of time thinking about what I used to get up to in my early 20's and who I used to spend my time with. There is one person who makes me smile widely when I think about the past, not because I hold onto any regrets about him in the sense of a lost love, but just because of the stupid things we did together and also how stupid I was for him! I do miss him though, it has been a long time...
Mr G and I met at work. It was possibly one of the worst jobs either of us had ever had. The boss was so bad and the company was so dodgy! (They got closed down not long after we left - thank God!). After we left the company and both moved on to other jobs we started hanging out more. He had a girlfriend (long term) and I was with someone too.
Thinking back, our relationship was so strange! We loved each others company and, even though we were both with people, still did anything to spend time together. We hung out late at night; he would call me and say 'fancy watching a film?' and I would rush over there, super tired but happy to spend time there, with him. I would sit in front of him whilst we watched the film and he would play with my hair. We would share ice cream, drink tea and chat and joke about stupid things.
We were never 'together'. We never discussed whether we had 'feelings' for each other or not, we just carried on this way for years. It only seems strange now.
I guess when you're older you need stability.
I realised, one day, years ago, that I was in love with him. But I also knew he wasn't in love with me. We had kissed a few times when we were both without partners, but that's as far as it ever went. I just think we were both a bit young to know what we wanted and what it was we were feeling.
During the later stages of our 'friendship' I used to arrange to see him, or he would tell me he would call but he never did. I would message him and leave him a voicemail every now and again.
One Christmas I remember thinking '...damn him, I am in love with him, I ache without him and I would do anything to see him or hear his voice...'. He turned up that year. Knocked on the front door, said 'Happy Christmas' and gave me a flower (I can't remember what it was, but I know it was some big, posh bloom). He didn't come in. That was that, gone...again.
After that I would receive the occasional text or email from him and we did meet for a coffee once or twice. So much time had passed by that I was happy to say to him 'you hurt me by keeping me strung along for so long...' I even told him I used to be in love with him. The lack of answer to that statement marked the turning point for me and I thought 'just move on'.
Weird though, thinking back on things that used to consume every part of you.
The thing is, I did love him, but experience tells me now that it wasn't the kind of love that would keep me going now; it was young, stupid love. The kind that is shallow and easily lost. New experiences have taught me what proper 'grown up' love is all about and, my God, it hurts so much more. If only we realise, when we're younger, how easy we have it.