I lay in bed last night pondering my life and how much it has changed - how much it is still changing. I am finding my thirties the most difficult. I sat to type this post today and thought 'I can't write that, no one wants to hear that and you only said good things about him the other day...', then I thought to myself that everyones lives are changing all the time. Someone you are all loved up with one minute can make you feel stupid the next. That. Is. Life.
Let me explain my dilemma.
The relationship I am currently in is one of the best and one of the most frustrating in equal measures. Never before have I experience passion the way I do now. Never before have I missed someone the way I do now. Never before have I felt like someone 'has my back' like I do now. But never before have I felt so frustrated at a man. You know that feeling when you get anxious in your tummy? I have that with M sometimes, but it is a feeling I have never had before.
I will go into more detail some other time about our early relationship, then this may make more sense, but last nights frustrations got way out of hand and I ended up sulking for ages, as did he actually.
The disagreement started when we were watching something on tv and I said '...we should go gigs together!'. We have never done anything like that together and I love it. I love the theatre, live music, comedy, contemporary dance, the lot really, and we have never been together. I have been on my own to things or with friends. Now, M's reaction to my comment was '...it depends who it is'. That made me upset, which, wrongly came out as an angry 'my God, you're a selfish bastard' (I did laugh when I said it but he got up and sulked off upstairs - fair enough).
The trouble I have with this seemingly stupid argument, is that when I am with someone I would do whatever it takes to make them happy. I would go to a Cliff Richard concert if I had to for crying out loud...might quite enjoy that, perhaps it was a bad example! You get what I am saying...I am in it 100% and as long as it makes someone happy I'm in. I don't feel that in return and that makes me so sad.
We did make up and I said sorry for calling him a selfish bastard, he isn't with 99% of things and even when he is, I shouldn't say that. He said 'I would never talk to you like that', and he's right, I know he wouldn't, he never has. But for heavens sake man, I never ask for anything, I never ever do. Help me out here.
Rant over.
Amen.
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