Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Starting over (again)

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I have got into a rather stupidly depressing habit recently (that's what stress does to me), of thinking the worst of everything. If I have a disagreement with M, I think 'this is it' and start desperately planning what I am going to do next...where will I live? What 'stuff' will I have to take with me? What will I do with my life now?

The rather pathetic side to this, as if it's not pathetic enough already, is that once on this train of thought it is hard to stop. The truth is that I wouldn't have anything at all. I took nothing from my previous relationship. I left everything behind. If anything was to happen to this one, I would still have nothing.  At 30 something years old that thought is so sad.

I would return to my parents, once again, with nothing, nada, zilch.

I always like to think that if anything happened I would up roots totally and move somewhere far away to start over, again. But the reality of that thought is that it would be filled entirely with loneliness.

Y'know, I am a big Sex and the City fan. When I was in my 20's I would watch that show and wonder how anyone could questions their lives so much or how someone could end up so confused by life. My God, I really understand that these days. Everyday is a bloody uphill battle with some individual or some situation.

Let's hope that none of the above happens. If it does I guess I will discover that a tiny bit of strength is still in my bones and carry on forwards once again.

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