Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Am I unusual?

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How 'normal' is this stuff at my age?
- Not having loads of friends.
Don't get me wrong, I have friends, just not many close ones. I have a few friends that I would call 'best' - or maybe two. The rest are great but they would not notice if I went AWOL I am pretty sure of that.
- Not knowing where I am going.
I mean this more in the sense of a career I suppose. I adore what I do, and I think, if this doesn't sound too egotistical, that I am pretty darn good at it. But where I work has no career prospects, no pay rise (at all) and nowhere for me to grow to. I want so much more, and I work so hard. It drives me crackers. Just as well I love it.
- To not want kids.
Que intake of breath here! I just don't want children! I would rather hang out with the animal kingdom-they make me happy, they relax me, they make me feel calm and centered. Children, well, children are great. I love spending time with other peoples. Spoiling them and making them laugh, but I don't feel broody or have the 'urge'. Will I regret that when I am older and totally alone? Probably. But that is no reason to go there now is it?
- Feeling inadequate.
Ever since I can remember I have felt 'different'. I feel like my journey should be different to everyone elses. I really don't mean that in a big headed way because, as you may have noticed above I am saying I feel inadequate. This is most days, all the time actually. I feel less intelligent, less creative, less beautiful, less funny, less wanted and less 'normal' than everyone else. The upside to this is that I treat people better I think. I don't feel I am owed anything - a trait seemingly popular in others.
- Feeling lonely.
Surely this is not normal? I should be out there, busying myself with life, socialising and having fun. Partly the reason this doesn't happen is life and being so damn busy, part of it is my fears and part is M. He doesn't really go in for the going out to do things (see previous posts!). 

Is this all normal? I feel like I am questioning far too much at the moment - perhaps that is my problem! I need to get out there - stick two fingers up to a whole bunch of stuff and get on with it!

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