The reason I started this blog was to become more open and honest without the fear of upsetting anyone I know but also to act as some sort of therapy for me too. I don't always feel like I open up as easily as I should, but today I really want to.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about decisions made in the past and how different life would be right now if I had taken an alternative pathway instead.
When I was 20 years old (I think that is right), I found out I was pregnant. The boyfriend I was with at the time was a bit of a tearaway, not always very nice to me (that's a whole other story) and certainly wasn't someone I would have wanted to settle down with. He pretty much refused to use protection and I justs hoped, in my naivety that the inevitable wouldn't happen. Stupid girl.
I had been ill for several weeks, with flu like symptoms, then went to the doctor. She told me to do a text at home, which I did. To be totally honest, I don't remember an awful lot about the moments that led up to me visiting the clinic and getting the procedure done, but I do have one huge regret - not keeping the scan picture. I don't even remember getting rid of the picture, I remember it being tucked away with some paperwork. Maybe my mum destroyed it as the whole mention of 'the situation' was taboo.
There really is no need for me to go into much more detail about it but my point is that it was so hard. Not at the time but a couple of years afterwards. If I had had the child he or she would now be about 12 years old...ish. I was thinking about where I would be now if that path had happened.
It is so different now, being with someone who I can see being an amazing Dad. Right now I really can't think of having a child. I don't see that it will happen for me, for us. But it is a really emotional feeling to know you have the right person for that job as and when it comes up.
I am truly sorry little baby - it wasn't right, it was totally the wrong time for you...
I love you always.