Bad times making good things...

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Firstly, sorry it has been so long, I have been away for a bit and my scheduled posts failed to appear... this was one of them!

I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but M and I have serious family issues, his family, not mine (although mine are no angels right now either!!). I don't want to waffle on about it but what I am trying to highlight is how much we have grown as a couple since these issues became so much worse. We used to squabble about family things that had nothing to do with us. We have never 'fallen out' over anything other than family issues, and when we have argued, it isn't because we disagree, but more just because we are tired of things or frustrated.

Something happened last weekend that rocked us again and this time we ended up crying and hugging in talking about what we would do if we all failed to be reconciled. That was all so much more productive! Since that Saturday we have been so much closer and open. We both feel the difference and that is lovely. We know there is a large possibility that we may never have a 'family' Christmas again. We know that when we get married it will probably just be the two of us (as a result of all this my family are not interested in seeing his now - great.).

I told him that I had thought about leaving him (when things were super bad) but not because we were not getting on - just because I didn't want him to feel he had to choose between me and his family. The issues with them are nothing to do with me but I didn't want him to worry and I know family is important.

Overall, I guess what I am saying is, hang in there. Keep talking, talking is the most important thing and it is what led to my previous relationship failing, in my opinion. Try to remember who you are through the bad times and remember why you are together and how the person compliments you and how they make you happy. That is what I did, and it has worked.

Thank you M, you are my rock.

I love you.

xoxo

The complexities of relationships.

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When I was in my teens and early 20's, even late 20's to be honest, I lapped up any attention from the opposite sex - that is only because I rarely got any so when it came along I was all over it. Tragic. It is funny how you change when you get older and more settled. Now I am with someone that I see a future with I find anyone who is giving me too much attention annoying. I really don't mean that to sound big headed because, please believe me when I say I am not fighting them off! I think what I am trying to say is that I don't have the energy for all the things that are involved in getting to know someone new. All the texting back and forth, the worrying, the wishin, the hoping...for calls, texts, dates...it is thoroughly exhausting! Then, after all that, you still don't know if they will be right for you. Nine times out of ten they won't fit your ideal at all and you are left to start again. It is like a never ending game of snakes and ladders.

 

At my age it is even harder. Most people are relatively newly married, they might be thinking about starting a family or planning their lives. If you find someone who is the same age and single, chances are they have a fairly substancial history and perhaps some baggage (I hate that word). Now, I know this is a personal thing, but I hate the thought of being with someone who has been married or in a super long term relationship. Having said that though, I would hate to think that someone wouldn't be with me because of that. I just get super insecure and worried. I have been cheated on in the past and I think that has changed an awful lot of things for me, especially the way I look at relationships.

 

I would hate someone to have slept around a lot. That would be a deal breaker for me. It would scream 'wandering eye' and 'womaniser'. But at the same time no one has lived perfectly, and when we are younger we really don't consider what may weigh us down in the future. I have a few regrets and I am sure we all do.

 

Things get more complicated as you get older, but they can also be more beautiful and that is what I hold on to.

 

xoxo

Trust Me

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When I typed up yesterdays post I had no idea that the royal baby had been born... trust me to go with a subject like that when that had happened. If anyone was offended I truly apologise.

Congratulations to the new mummy and daddy. 

I love Kate and William, I really do. I think they are refreshing and clearly so in love. I hope that they manage to hang on to what they have forever and be happy. Now they are three - there is strength in numbers.

xoxo

History.

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The reason I started this blog was to become more open and honest without the fear of upsetting anyone I know but also to act as some sort of therapy for me too. I don't always feel like I open up as easily as I should, but today I really want to. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about decisions made in the past and how different life would be right now if I had taken an alternative pathway instead. 

When I was 20 years old (I think that is right), I found out I was pregnant. The boyfriend I was with at the time was a bit of a tearaway, not always very nice to me (that's a whole other story) and certainly wasn't someone I would have wanted to settle down with. He pretty much refused to use protection and I justs hoped, in my naivety that the inevitable wouldn't happen. Stupid girl.

I had been ill for several weeks, with flu like symptoms, then went to the doctor. She told me to do a text at home, which I did. To be totally honest, I don't remember an awful lot about the moments that led up to me visiting the clinic and getting the procedure done, but I do have one huge regret - not keeping the scan picture. I don't even remember getting rid of the picture, I remember it being tucked away with some paperwork. Maybe my mum destroyed it as the whole mention of 'the situation' was taboo.

There really is no need for me to go into much more detail about it but my point is that it was so hard. Not at the time but a couple of years afterwards. If I had had the child he or she would now be about 12 years old...ish. I was thinking about where I would be now if that path had happened.

It is so different now, being with someone who I can see being an amazing Dad. Right now I really can't think of having a child. I don't see that it will happen for me, for us. But it is a really emotional feeling to know you have the right person for that job as and when it comes up. 

I am truly sorry little baby - it wasn't right, it was totally the wrong time for you...

I love you always.

xoxo

Humble apologies...

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I am standing before you today with my fluffy tail between my legs - I have been somewhat absent from this site this week. I have had a mega work week and been rushing about left, right and centre. Forgive me. I have also had one of those weeks where people have made me feel inadequate and unintelligent. I have been treated so badly by so many people this week and to top it all off I was rejected for a job I applied for. Not a good week overall. But now I am trying to rise above it and keep positive, not easy in a crisis but I am doing my best. I am desperate for a change of job and want to be somewhere that I can climb the ladder and thrive. Where I am now is great, the job is a dream, but I do more and more, as if I am getting invisible promotions, but do not get any more recognition, financial or otherwise. So depressing.

So, as it is not in my nature to give up I will continue to 'bloom where planted' until something else comes along.

xoxo

Upping the game!

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It is no secret that life has been tough recently, but I think M and I are finally coming out the other side of things. We have had some long and honest chats about things and we are better. Much better. For a minute there I was all 'Woah, what if...'. Now I am settling back down again.

M is making more effort too. We went out on a date night on Friday to the cinema, which was awesome and we sat in the back row like a pair of loved up teenagers! 

I think the key is to never feel too 'at home' in your relationship. Make the effort, it is so worth it in the end. Do your hair, put some make-up on, choose a nice, pretty outfit, make him realise what he will be missing if he doesn't pull things together. Carry on being independent but know you are always there for one another. That is the sexiest thing ever.

The further away you are...

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As I drove further and further away from you I realised how much I longed to stay with you. I had no choice, I had to leave you there but I had no interest in doing so. All night I thought about you and longed to be by your side, thinking about what we would be doing together if I was there... sitting on the sofa watching favourite repeats of silly programmes that make us smile and laugh together, drinking tea and eating KitKats fresh from the fridge. It is those precious moments I miss so much when we are not together. I hate leaving you. I hate driving away from you standing there mouthing 'I love you'...

It will get less and less, I promise.

xoxo