When I get down I lose myself in shiny thoughts.

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Escapism is beautiful. It gets you through the toughest of days and allows for total mental freedom, just like your dreams do. 

What do you do to totally escape from it all in your mind? I read, or make something or think about the future, losing myself in thoughts of what I could do and how I could do it - this shouldn't just be for dreaming though, should it? Someone once said to me that '...if your dreams look like reality you are not dreaming large enough'. I like that, it is so true.

So, maybe escapism is not a diversion, maybe what we think of, when times are slightly grey, are the things we should bring our focus to? (Except that in my case Harry Potter can be my escapism - not so sure I could look good on a broomstick).

No matter what.

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I think one of the most important things to any woman is knowing that someone loves you, no matter what. I feel so lucky that I have someone who does. 

When I have lazy days and don't dry my hair, I twist it into a messy knot on top of my head. When I take it down at night I look like a Worzel Gummidge and a Poodles love child - but you still think I look beautiful. (It looks so much worse in the morning too but you don't care!).

Everyday you tell me you think I look good, pulling me close to you and telling me that you '...love me more than anything' and are so attracted to me. Why is this a concept us ladies find so difficult?

We spend such vast amounts of time scrutinising every part of our bodies with such detail that we drive ourselves totally crazy and when someone tells us we look pretty we point out flaws that they have yet to notice. I am not trying to preach about this because, believe me, I am just as bad, but shouldn't we all just learn to be a little bit nicer to ourselves every now and again?

Try to let go.

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I attract complications. This is not me looking for sympathy; most of the time I think I don't actually help myself at all. I get myself in to such messes, mostly because I try to keep everyone happy and so end up weaving a web of confusion for myself to unravel when everyone else is sleeping happily in their beds at night.

There was this situation once, with a relationship of mine (let's call him Robert...not his real name of course). We were together for a long stretch. It was good most of the time but then I realised that what we had was more of a friendship than a relationship. When I called halt on things it took a long time disconnect, and I don't mean months! We had 'talks' so many times where I would say 'I can't do this anymore, I care about you, but can't be in a relationship with you'. 

Through all of this I knew Robert wanted me back. I actually think he never thought we had split in the first place. I was still his girlfriend in his eyes.

The trouble with this situation was that I met someone new and had to continue trying to sort out Robert through all of it. Now, you may just think, 'well, if you met someone new, just tell Robert and leave...'. If you have been in my situation you will understand how hard and emotionally draining it all is.

The cliche of loving someone but not being in love with someone in the sense of a relationship and physical intimacy is not something one can just cast aside overnight. You worry, feel guilty, cry (a lot), think about all the things they have ever said that were nice, increasing the guilt further still. This is a vicious circle of events until you feel like you are going crazy. I would imagine Robert at home, on his own, or having an accident and nobody knowing about it or being there to help - I may not feel I can be with him now, but you never stop caring, or worrying, and that is terribly hard on the soul. It is hard to move forward with your life feeling like that.

This isn't the sort of thing you can explain to a new man in your life either. Can you imagine a man saying this about an ex girlfriend. Come on girls, we'd freak right out wouldn't we?! Only we know how we feel and as you get older, life just throws more 'interesting' complications. But I guess that that is what we are here for, to learn, to make mistakes and to come out the other side feeling wiser and a tad more knowledgeable than where we started.

I carried a watermelon...

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I don't know if you have these moments too (you must do, we are all human after all!), but there are some people who just bring out the idiot in me. I say stupid things, can't remember things that I have known for years and generally make a total fool out of myself. I know what you're thinking. You think it is some guy I have a crush on. You are very wrong! This is someone in my professional world, who shares the same passions and interests as I do, but, for some reason, I always have those 'watermelon moments' (if you don't get the reference, where have you been since 'Dirty Dancing' was released?!). I can't read this person and I can usually read people fairly well. Maybe I should just accept it. Stop over-analysing and get on with it! Have you experienced this too? 

Holding hands.

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On our second date you took hold of my hand. I have never felt electricity like it. I had this unexplainable feeling surge through my body and I knew that, this time, something was different. You made me feel safe, your lovely fingers, intertwined with mine, holding tightly. We held hands all night the first night we slept side by side and we have done the same almost every night since. 

Just look up.

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What do you take comfort from? What makes you feel all warm inside when you think about it? What is it that you dream of when you are stuck at your desk at work, feeling tired and ready for sleep? (Maybe you just dream of sleep and dreaming itself). For some it is shopping, spending money on items to distract from reality, for others it is pouring a glass of wine and watching mindless television until the day is forgotten, pushed to the back of the mind, gone.

I feel like there is a distinct lack of looking up, looking around, observing.

If you spend time looking up, late at night, really late, when it is so quiet it becomes noisy in your head, you will notice how everything that you feel is significant in your life, is actually far from it. When I look at the stars I remember how beautiful and perfect everything is. I take huge comfort from that.

Last night...

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Last night I thought about what it would be like if I didn't have you. I laid there, in bed, alone; I closed my eyes and thought about you and I, what we have and how you make me feel. I imagined you living your life without me in it, coming home after work without me there to make you tea and put the day into perspective. I imagined you were mad with me, that you didn't want to see me again, that you rejected my calls and wanted no more of me. It became so real.

 

I thought about what it would be like to not see you for days, weeks, months, and finally, late one night, sneak into your flat, quietly lifting the duvet and climbing in bed by your side. You would turn round, still half asleep, and wrap your arms around me like you do and everything would be alright again.

Somedays.

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Somedays my life feels pretty 'normal' (define normal!). If I have a particularly busy day at work I forget that I am in a horrible situation in my personal life and have a massive job to do - to break someones heart. I will get around to the whole story soon enough but for now I must overcome my own fear of putting it in text, in front of my own eyes for me to realise.

If someone came to me for advice with identical circumstances I would be the font of all advice, which would go something like this: accept this is happening. It is not all your fault but accept your part and make the necessary steps to change the bad stuff. You are the only one who has control over this situation. You need to act on it and you need to act on it now!

Take my advice. It is too painful to do it any other way, that I promise.

Let's start somewhere...

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This is a blog about life. Not just mine, that would be very self-indulgent of me, but yours too. Please get in contact with me if you have something to say (feel free to comment on here too of course!). I would love your stories too, let's talk and share what is our one chance at this life together. Contact me on lifeiswheretheheartis@outlook.com.

I wish to stay anonymous on here for several reasons but mostly because I want to have the true freedom to tell all; the funny, the sexy, the damn right heart breaking. I want to tell it warts and all, but, and hopefully this goes without saying, there will be no actual names and locations, just to protect peoples privacy.

It is only fair to tell you a bit about the author of this blog so here goes:
- I am over 30 (under 35 - very important!)
- I have a full time job not far from London (which I find frustrating and awesome in equal measures) but I long for a huge inspiring change
- I have been in my current relationship for just shy of three years and love my man a whole load, he is truely wonderful
- I have had a fair amount of experience in the relationship department, good and bad, and I have not always been the best girlfriend at times, but, in balance, I have dated some arseholes too!
- My family are difficult, I am very different to them, that has started to show a lot in recent years
- It is only with my current partner I have discovered what a proper sex life is all about, hot, steamy, raunchy sex. And it's great!
- I don't speak to many people about my life... except you.